I am an INFP. But newsflash, I am not a shy person. Rather, a more overwhelming turmoil squashes me.
I am a very self-conscious INFP.
While shyness and extreme self-consciousness may look similar on the outside, deep within, these variables differ greatly in motivation.
According to a study, being shy is a negative self-bias where you look down on your capabilities. Once people ask you to join a performance, a presentation, or simply introduce yourself, you’re taken aback by your limited self-trust. “I can’t do this!” You say, and eventually turn anxious.
On the other hand, extreme self-consciousness is more of a self-representation. You see yourself in the eyes of other people. It isn’t always negative self-bias because you probably know you can. You have the skill.
However, you’re awfully aware of yourself that you’re scared of the impression you’re making.
So, although you can play the guitar or have memorized your script, you turn cold feet when someone more skilled than you or just anyone you want to impress watches your performance.
The lingering fear of not preparing enough to secure perfection makes you anxious. You lose your mind and blank out.
And that kind of self-consciousness, my friend, is one of INFP’s biggest struggles.
INFP And Self-Consciousness
But to my fellow INFPs, please note, being self-conscious isn’t a bad thing. You’re reflective of yourself. According to Howard Gardner’s multiple intelligences, that’s called intrapersonal intelligence.
You are self-smart.
You can beautifully break down your experiences into meaningful and valuable concepts.
This is INFP’s natural habitat.
Immersed in daydreaming, INFPs might not even notice how long they’ve stared at the bedroom ceiling as their minds travel to different worlds.
They’d be knee-deep in a monologue, self-searching and analyzing.
Wisdom transpires in the most hushed time of the day. They dig deep into their selves and connect the beliefs and principles surrounding them. Meditating on their faculties, strengths, likes, and dislikes is their game.
Again, self-consciousness is not a bad thing. However, just like anything, when not handled right, it can also be the bane of our existence.
Why Are INFPs Self-Conscious?
So now, where did it go wrong? What makes INFPs extremely self-conscious, which negatively impacts their life?
There could be numerous reasons, but based on our cognitive functions, one thing I can see is an undeveloped Te inferior function.
Te-Inferior
INFPs’ inferior function is extraverted Thinking (Te), which refers to a person’s rationale—having a set of logical reasons from an external source.
To aid INFPs in their decision-making, they gather information from credible resources like reference books, documents, words from knowledgeable people, or opinions from their close friends.
They love knowledge and are keen on analyzing and comparing information. Which advice is better? Who is more credible?
Surely, the most effective strategy will make it to INFP’s lifestyle. That’s why I always say we’re self-improvement junkies!
But since Te is positioned as an inferior, it’s not as strong as our introverted Feeling (Fi) function. Instead, Te is even telling of our biggest insecurities.
Despite the wisdom, multitudes of talents, and value they can provide, an INFP’s biggest insecurity is looking stupid in front of people.
Don’t believe me?
Notice how you can low-key show off your talents before your friends but back down once you face a real professional?
I confidently told my high school classmates I’d be an architect when I entered college. But when I realized the class was filled with extremely talented artists who drew portraits, free-hand anime, and picturesque watercolor drawings, I shut down.
I couldn’t take the pressure of my own mediocrity, so I quit after a year.
I also used to play a few songs with guitar fingerstyle in high school, and everyone praised me for it. But when I saw how the same Architecture class were filled with musicians — singers, drummers, guitarists (they’re awesome, alright!) — I never held a guitar in front of them again. Not with that guy playing Canon Rock and the dozen of others who play by ear.
I’m not shy. I’m extremely self-conscious.
I run away, afraid to be criticized. Instead of honing my skill, I was scared that my mediocrity will be caught.
Drag this behavior until adulthood, and what did I get?
A serious case of impostor syndrome.
Looking at it now, I actually received praises at work. My mentors recommended me for jobs, and I always received their favor.
But this nasty insecurity, the impostor syndrome, and the piercing feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing made me feel so fake until… I quit.
My extreme self-consciousness killed a lot of my dreams and visions.
How Can INFPs Overcome Extreme Self-Consciousness?
As of writing, I’m glad to announce that my extreme self-consciousness has drastically died down. I believe it also comes with age. As INFPs mature and experience life, this part heals little by little.
So, what helped with my extreme INFP self-consciousness? Here are a few I can share with you:
Understanding True Humility
Here’s a short story:
It was my 4th year in my education extension program. I carried out my practice teaching at the same university where I studied, so I found myself assigned to the class of a few old classmates, along with my juniors.
They went from calling me “Maj” or “Ate” (Big Sister) to calling me “Ma’am.” It was awkward at first, for sure.
However, although I was still a “practice teacher” then, I gave my 100% to acting like a real one.
I followed the teacher’s code of ethics to a T. I stopped hanging around my friends and juniors even after teaching hours. My socials were locked, so they couldn’t see what I was up to. I dismissed joking around. I demanded respect.
There was a hard, bold line they could no longer cross.
Until one day, I got off my duty and went to a nearby pool hall slash canteen to fetch another ISFJ friend.
When I saw him hanging around my juniors, you bet my anxiety rose.
I didn’t even want to approach them. Didn’t want to be lumped in with my students. Not with those cue sticks and their game-on faces.
“I can’t be in a place like this,“ I thought. I wanted to flee so bad, but I couldn’t, so I sat a few benches away from them.
As I waited for their game to end, I was already low-key fuming.
My friend saw through my anger and impatience and asked:
“Why?” He sensed my animosity. I ignored him and faintly rolled my eyes.
With a stern voice, he added, “They’re humans, too.”
I froze. Those three words rang in my head.
Of course, they’re humans. But why do you have to say that?
And why did that pierce my heart? I had no good response.
Maybe it’s because those three words revealed how evidently I was belittling my students and revering myself. It’s as if it would kill me to breathe the same air as them. I isolated and was mad about being banded with them.
He was right. My obsession with reputation has been obviously insufferable.
I reflected on that day consistently.
Stop Putting Yourself On A Pedestal
Have you had similar experiences, too? Are you someone who fawns over your talents, strengths, recognitions, job titles, and achievements?
I admit I’ve had times when I lie on my bed and review the awesome things I’ve done. I love to picture myself as someone who others are so proud of. “What a catch!” they say.
Yep, that’s me. I tend to self-aggrandize.
We may not brag or flaunt our achievements, but deep in our hearts, these glittering events are the foundation of our self-confidence.
With that said, here’s the problem INFPs have to deal with.
As we obsess (Fi) over our best moments and replay them repeatedly in our minds (Si), we wire our brains to believe an ideal, unrealistic version of ourselves (Ne).
And with undeveloped Te, we tremble once these unbelievably high standards of perfection and reputation are not met.
Then, you’re stuck.
You don’t want to be seen as stupid. You don’t want to be wrong.
Because you’ve seen your imaginary self with a cape of excellence and superiority, it’s a hard pill to swallow when mistakes and rejections come into your life.
So, when I say practice true humility, I mean, stop putting yourself on a pedestal.
Yes, do not think less of yourself. But I also hope you think of yourself less.
Get out of those self-aggrandizing imaginations. You don’t need to be in love with your success, capabilities, or job titles.
As you detach from the fake image of perfection, notice how much teachable you can be.
When you don’t compare reality to the idealistic version of yourself, you begin to appreciate the process.
You start to love yourself, not because you’re achieving goals one after another, but because you are a flawed but still beautifully growing person. Just like everyone else.
That’s what true humility looks like.
Stop Putting Others Above Yourself
Next, we deal with the other factor that makes INFPs self-conscious: inferiority complex.
According to David Tzall, a licensed psychologist in New York City, inferiority complex is a persistent feeling of self-doubt where you feel less capable than others.
INFPs, again with their undeveloped Te, often place too much weight on titles, wealth, or expertise. They see those with more credentials as inherently more authoritative.
Thus, INFPs feel self-conscious as they compare and contrast their skills against other people. They become fearful of committing mistakes in front of these people.
And because INFPs refuse to see what’s in front of them and choose to look beyond the surface, their self-consciousness becomes more amplified.
Their fixation on reputation and credibility makes them feel small in the presence of “big personalities.”
But no-no. We’re looking at it all wrong.
My fellow INFPs, they’re humans, too.
From what I’ve seen, even those people make mistakes, too. Realizing this firsthand played a huge role in healing my self-consciousness.
I used to admire a few professors at the university, so much that I felt intimidated just speaking to them. I’m scared of doing wrong and getting lectured.
But as I became their colleague, (I was recommended to teach in the same university) I saw the reality — they were actually pretty normal, too. Like students, some instructors cram to meet deadlines. Others submit two weeks late. They weren’t the flawless figures I had imagined.
Also, since I’m involved in a women’s ministry at church, I’m meeting people from different backgrounds — moms, wives, engineers, business owners, nurses, teachers, office workers, and a lot more. But most of the time, despite their strong front, I hear of their cries and frustrations, too.
They aren’t perfect either, and so am I.
Learning to put off the titles behind us to talk with them eye-to-eye bridged the gaps of interaction. The usual distance I place between me and the others have surprisingly vanished.
I tell you, once we stop feeling overpowered by others and just talk to them as fellow human beings, we’d feel more at ease and less self-conscious.
Mistakes? Laugh it off.
I have a few ENFJ friends who are making massive career moves, and honestly, they leave me in awe.
One of them—my best friend—was our class Valedictorian, a cum laude in Chemical Engineering, and now works at one of the biggest companies in the country.
Another is an architect handling huge projects, while the third packed up and moved to Australia, singlehandedly bringing his entire family (parents and siblings) from the province for better opportunities.
From the outside, they seem like they’re in a league of their own—unstoppable, ambitious, and goal-driven. But the funny thing is, they’re also total goofballs.
One thing I’ve noticed? They don’t let mistakes shake them. If they mess up in public, they don’t sulk or shrink in embarrassment. Instead, they laugh it off, ask for advice, make corrections, and finish the job.
Simple, right?
I applied this in my life and it worked like a charm.
Instead of freezing up when someone points out a mistake, I just chuckle, ask how to improve, and move forward.
It does make things lighter!
Conclusion
I know it takes so much guts to battle extreme self-consciousness, especially when it is wrapped around INFP’s very nature.
But as I said, being self-conscious is also our strength. We just have to use our cards correctly and train ourselves to utilize them properly.
From my experience, we must spend a lot of time developing our Te function, where we embrace and truly understand humility in our lives.
We have to break down many of our belief systems and build habits that steer us away from being inside our heads too much to actively interacting with the world.
Once INFPs overcome extreme self-consciousness, you bet they become unstoppable. Not only that, but they find satisfaction in their lives, far from what-ifs and regrets.
That’s it! I hope the experiences I shared gave you valuable insights. Did you like the post? You can buy me a coffee here! Thanks for reading! 🙂
You may also like:
- INFPs Feeling Invisible: How To Overcome?
- How Can INFPs Overcome The Anxiety of Revealing Themselves?
- 4 Behaviors I Fixed That Made Me More Confident
