How do INFPs make friends?
INFPs have a stern view of friendships. A few, but true, right? We carry fierce loyalty to our selected friends, treating this deep bond as a life goal.
I was over-the-top loyal to my high school friends. My socials are in drought, I post once or twice a year. But every time I capture a scene with them, I’ll surely upload the photo and beam with pride with a caption, “Best group ever!”
I was like an overbearing mom showing off my kids, to the point where people who didn’t need to know them, know them because of me.
We were unbreakable. That was what I thought.
But I got a taste of reality.
My closest friends transferred jobs, got new partners, and married. Some moved to another city, and others migrated to other countries. The others, I could no longer contact even if I tried to. I haven’t seen half of them in almost a decade.
However, still revering them as my “forever friends,” the INFP in me clung to the thread of friendship. I would organize getaways, trying hard to glue each others’ lives together — meeting their schedules and pleading for them to come.
Some said yes, others said they were busy. Meanwhile, there were also some who got my hopes up but canceled at the last minute.
I felt betrayed. I did get mad.
But should I? I don’t have that right.
The older we get, the more I realize that they have a life to live, and I have mine.
It seemed like they had moved on from the close friendship, but I didn’t. They got new circles, but I stayed. As I poured all my energy to this “Forever” friendship, I also found myself alone. Although they remember me, they are no longer at my arm’s reach.
Life happens.
And that’s why I’m writing this post, appealing why INFPs must learn to make new friends.
Old friends live in our hearts, but we need friends who are present in our space. When problems arise, we call on them, not the ones who are cities away.
So yes, make new friends — those who share the same circumstances, the same space, and beliefs.
In this post, let’s dive deep into this.
Why Is It Hard To Make Friends As An INFP?
Everyone has a baseline for making friends.
Extroverts would walk right up to anyone to make friends. Social anxiety’s definitely scared of them. ISFJs and INFJs? They easily blend in.
But INFPs? Well, with us, the barrier to entry is tough.
INFPs don’t care if someone came from the same school, state, or country. Couldn’t care less if people share the same hobby or job, or if a person’s smart or dumb.
What we seek is supposedly simple — friends with similar moral lenses and values.
Yet the problem is that INFPs have high moral standards. So towering, only a few people get to climb the walls and ever make it into their sacred inner circle.
With our introverted Feeling (Fi) function, we contrast everything against our morals.
Unfortunately, morals that fall short of INFP’s standards repel them away.
We opt for isolation rather than compromise. The pursuit for authenticity tells us it’s better to be alone than conform to a group, principle, or belief we don’t adhere to.
We might observe cues we don’t like, and escape people who display those “atrocious” behaviors.
It doesn’t have to be major, noticeable traits. It could be simple peeves like, “I don’t like how she takes up my space,” “He’s too noisy,” or “She’s too pushy.”
These empaths are conscious of one’s tiny mannerisms and patterns. If there’s one thing they don’t like about you, they’d rather keep their distance than fake it.
Living up to authenticity, people!
Sadly, INFPs don’t realize this sensitivity and strong commitment to values when we’re young. So instead, we blame ourselves for not making friends, thinking we’re undesirable, boring, and outcast.
When in reality, it’s us who are picky! That’s right, I said it!
We run away from people, more than they run away from us.
So now that you know why you have a hard time making friends, how do we change this? How do INFPs make friends?
How To Make Friends As An INFP
Here are 5 tips I had to learn the long way, but are definitely important in making friends as an INFP:
1. Judge people by their standards, not yours.
I used to ask myself, “Why would people do actions I would never done myself?”
I couldn’t wrap my head around how people could lie with a straight face, how they commit to a job while I was ready to quit within six months, or why they laugh at a joke I find offensive.
However, thanks to MBTI, I realized the world doesn’t revolve around my standards. Just because I see the world through rose-tinted glasses, am self-conscious and uphold high morals, doesn’t mean everyone else does.
Heck, INTPs even have morality at the least of their cognitive stack. They’re more ethical, but morals? They might consider unwavering personal values as selfish and irrelevant.
Like, “why do I have to cater to your feelings? If you’re wrong, you’re wrong!” An INTP might say.
I’ve also met people who wouldn’t bat an eye if your emotions are hurt. I felt resentful.
But as I started viewing them through their lens, not mine, I stopped taking their behaviors personally.
Instead of judging people the moment we met, I observed. I no longer slammed the door shut like I used to in college, where I’d literally hide to avoid interaction.
You’ll stop avoiding people once you understand their motivations.
Once you get a sense of their personality, you start making peace with compatibility—or the lack thereof.
I once knew an INFJ who lied to my face. He wasn’t doing this before, but now he’s quite notorious. He’d tell me one thing, then say something completely different to someone else.
The old me would’ve cut him off. But because I know he’s an INFJ (with Se-inferior), I think he genuinely forgot he had told me anything at all. Plus, he have tendencies to mirror others’ behaviors (Fe), so it wasn’t shocking if years in a toxic work environment had probably shaped that behavior.
The more you see them in their lens, the less we take their ways personally. You just simply… understand.
Then, you adjust.
Another, with ISFJs, I admire their dedication. I turn to them for inspiration. But I’ve also learned that their “tried-and-true” solutions don’t always translate well to my INFP reality. Their methods may have worked for them, but not necessarily for someone wired like me. I stopped berating myself for not living up to the ISFJ’s work ethics.
I used to feel offended by ESTP’s humor. But my once-overwhelming frustration vanished when I realized they simply love to live in the moment. Now, I laugh with my ESTP students, let them enjoy their playful energy, and still know when to take over when they cross a line.
When we stop holding people to our extremely high INFP standards, people suddenly become easier to connect with.
You don’t have to be like them, but at least see people for who they truly are.
2. Find your people.
The environment matters.
If you feel isolated or misunderstood in your current surrounding, go hunt your future friends elsewhere.
May it be a library, a book convention, a hobby club, you need to look for places people with shared values naturally gather.
I prayed for this so hard, and I ended up in two places: a church and a school.
Now, even in church, personalities vary. Just because it’s a church doesn’t mean it’s automatically a fit.
I had to visit three different ones before finding the right one.
As for the school, I visited my old campus once. They’re still the same grumpy staff. No wonder I haven’t made deep bonds with my colleagues there. But at the academy where I teach now, the environment is warm and emotionally open.
The teachers are incredibly empathetic to students and co-workers. There, I was welcomed. It felt like I got mothers and big sisters guiding me career-wise and in my relationships.
So if you haven’t found your people yet, don’t give up. Keep searching in places they may gather.
3. Your body language should appear like you actually want friends.
Smile, face people, and respond confidently when they talk to you.
This looks like simple advice, but as someone who had a habit of averting people’s eyes, my body language screams “I don’t want to talk” even when I do want to talk.
I used to cover my mouth with my hands, look down and pierce the ground with my stare, and sleep on my desk when everybody was having fun.
People asked me, “are you okay?” like they’re about to send me to the clinic rather than have a normal friendly conversation.
So, if you want to make friends as an INFP, exude an approachable energy. Don’t crunch in the corner!
4. When people gather, join them!
If you want to make friends, the easiest way to do it is to NEVER isolate yourself.
If there’s a group gathering, sit near them.
INFP Getting Along With Differing Personalities
Yes, you might feel drained, especially in a group filled with personalities too different from yours. For example, extroverted sensors and thinkers. We might be thinking in abstract ideas while everyone else is speaking in concrete, practical terms.
They might discuss topics like, “What seasonal plant should I grow to earn money?” Or plainly engage in friendly banters, teasing each other’s appearance. They may rant about the office rules.
When that happens, I’d simply be a listener.
If I find it hard to keep up, I do other tasks. But at least, I do it within their vicinity. I keep my body language open and when I hear something I relate to, I laugh with them.
With this, although I’m quiet, they realize I’m not aloof or avoidant. They can ask me for help, and in the same way, I can ask them, too.
INFP Being Friends With Like-Minded People
Other times, I join into groups of more reserved, introverted types. I take the initiative to bring myself in. When the vibe feels warm and comfortable, it’s crucial that I stick around.
I would no longer run out the building when the clock hits 5 PM, no.
I’ll be as calm as someone listening to ASMR audios. I make small gestures like asking where they’re headed so we can walk out together, or bringing snacks to share. I would go to them, instead of waiting for them to notice me.
I’m no longer shy to say, “I was looking for you!” Because girl, you bet, I am!
My eyes are locked in. How my thoughts flow freely when I’m with them is an immediate sign. They are my people.
Thankfully, they return the gesture. They wait for me. They bring food too. This is where deeper connection starts.
Friendships are built by spending time with people. It doesn’t happen in a week or month. It takes time.
You don’t have to be extroverted and take the spotlight. Just be present.
No need to impress them with brilliant insights. Just stay close.
Listen, laugh, and exist with them. Before you know it, they’ll start existing with you too.
5. Share stories with each other.
Finally, you open up. Shared stories make a connection deeper, and it’s what many INFPs crave.
As I learned to express the real me, people around me loosen up, too. That’s how friendships deepen — within a common ground, a secret, a shared story.
Before deep friendships, find casual friends first.
In conclusion, yes, INFPs often crave deep, soul-level connections. But those friendships don’t happen overnight.
If you’re always waiting for a deep bond to magically appear, you might miss out on the people right before you.
Start small. Find casual friends first.
Those you may not share secrets yet, but you can at least laugh with during lunch breaks, chat about the weather, or exchange memes on a random Tuesday. These light interactions build trust over time.
Now, I see the power in having casual friendships.
They’re the ones you can ask for help. These are the people nearby who can accompany you when you’re alone.
People who have new stories to tell. They bring new things in your life. People whom you can learn from, and will learn from you, too! 🙂
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
That’s it! I hope you can try these simple tips to make new friends as an INFP.
Was this helpful? If you like it, you can buy me a coffee! 🙂
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