Is it just me, or do INFPs really seem invisible to other people’s eyes?
If you were to ask the younger me, ack, I’ll scream a resounding YES!
Imagine the people joyously huddling in the room, while you’re at a corner pretending you’re busy. Or people cheerfully greeting each other as if they’re all BFFs, but excluding you.
Or that time when my co-teachers got a certificate of appreciation on Teachers’ Day, but I didn’t because the student body didn’t know who I was. (I understand, though, ’cause I’m newly hired.)
To feel invisible for an INFP means… being left out.
It’s horrible as well as somewhat embarrassing. This hurts not only the feelings, but for sure scrapes our sense of reputation.
But in this post, no, I won’t be berating myself for being, in any way, unremarkable. Neither would I put the blame on the people for snubbing me.
Rather, I’ll write down my own critique about what makes an INFP invisible and how to overcome the agony of loneliness.
What it Looks Like When An INFP Feels Invisible
Here are situations where INFPs feel invisible and irrelevant to people:
- People cutting them off mid-sentence or talking over them
- Their thoughts and suggestions being bluntly dismissed, no interests given.
- Being underestimated and written off before they even get a chance to prove themselves.
- Others are consistently chosen over them—whether for opportunities, recognition, or just attention.
- Being forgotten – whether your name, forgetting to send you an invitation, or including you in a list, etc.
- Feeling out of place in a crowd
If you frequently experienced those, then you have to read further below.
Why Do INFPs Feel Invisible?
I’ll let you in on a story.
It was 2018, my fourth year in college. It’s an extension year (we’re getting Educ units) after graduating from my three-year ladderized program, so no old classmates were with me. Nonetheless, I was seeing both new and familiar faces.
Truth is, making friends hasn’t been easy for me these past three years. This year, though, things started differently.
Before I could even introduce myself to anyone, thankfully, this pretty woman reached out to me first. Well, “pretty” doesn’t even do her justice. She’s a pageant queen, a top architecture student, and someone I – I mean everyone — admire.
Of course, I was ecstatic to be with someone popular. Who wouldn’t? To be honest, I even bragged to some old classmates about being friends with their “campus crush.”
However, months later, my INFP-ness kicked in and that excitement didn’t last long. A series of questions about her friendship with me kept popping up which halted me from opening up.
Let’s be clear. She showed me nothing but kindness. Yet her popularity was probably too stunning for my liking. Despite her willingly choosing to be with me, I didn’t have double thoughts going on my way alone, leaving her solo.
She’s popular, so why would she need me? I thought.
I didn’t want to appear like I was tagging along with her limelight. Didn’t want to feel like her shadow, either. Moreover, I hated how people compared us. I felt uncomfortable being pitted against her since we both pursue exemplary academic standings.
But again, she did nothing wrong. Truth is, she even played a huge part in my achievements since we’re both goal-getters and often teamed up for most projects and research.
But in the end, I didn’t open up to her. And since I isolated myself from the rest of the class, she didn’t gain many friendships, either. She either truly stuck with me because she wanted to, or she’s just stuck with me and got no more choice.
Now, we’re still friends. But not someone I would casually approach if I had problems.
What’s the moral of the story?
Unmet Standards and Self-isolation
Looking back, this isn’t the first time I’ve distanced myself from someone who wanted to be friends with me. Considering that I could count my friends with my fingers, you could imagine how many interactions didn’t push through.
Yes, INFPs may get excited about the idea of friendship. But in the long run, INFPs don’t realize their instinct to protect themselves also takes over.
As they watch people’s behavior closely, they would question the intentions, wondering if these strangers’ kindness is genuine or if there’s something else behind it.
From my story above, despite the downpour of kindness, I’ve always thought she was befriending me for a reason. Like, there’s no way she’d go with me when she’s a star. I was on guard.
I could be right. Or… I could be entirely wrong.
To this day, I haven’t found any evidence that she ever wronged me. Instead, it turns out we simply had different values—values I didn’t fully resonate with at the time.
Thinking about it now, she’s actually a hardworking INTJ. She is a solo worker, too, despite her popularity so she doesn’t mind being alone that much.
Contrary to what I believed, she stuck with me not to control me, but to be genuinely partners because she heard I was an achiever in my previous program. This goal-getter girl was serious about her studies and clearly meant business.
Now, I understand why she approached me on the first day.
Sadly, at the time, I misjudged her.
Indeed, INFP’s best asset — this awesome moral sense — could also be a lousy weakness.
Because loyalty is part of INFP’s groundwork, they tie everyone to unbelievably high, unspoken criteria. And if someone doesn’t meet those, then bye-bye.
They need to feel that someone will consistently choose them, against all odds.
That’s probably why they’re attracted to fellow principled empaths and gentle ones — carrying the same values — whom they know won’t betray them instead of those unpredictable, larger-than-life personalities.
“Why don’t they approach me?”
See, I’m thankful for my INFJ and ENFJ friends who never stopped approaching me. They kept bothering me until I just accepted my fate, and it turned out to be the most incredible years of my life!
But what happens now if there are no NFs who share the same values around? What if no one approaches you? That’s right. These unbelievably imposing standards can repel people, which soon makes you feel alone. And invisible.
Sorry to break it down to you, but not everyone is willing to take the test. Not with the sky-high standards and overcritical exam you set up. Not everyone wants to get involved, yet unconsciously, INFPs wonder why people aren’t signing up.
“I’m kind and gentle. Why aren’t people approaching me?”
Truth be told, this is a picture of INFP’s self-centeredness, too. I’m not saying we’re selfish, awful people. But we are indeed preoccupied with our affairs, and everything seems to be centered around us. Around our values.
You’ve got walls and trusted no one, so how in the world would they trust you, too?
You don’t adjust to meet them where they are—you wait for them to step up and meet you where you are.
Again, not everyone has the emotional stamina to break down our walls. If we don’t change how we judge other people, we might really end up alone, unseen, and bypassed.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s alright to have standards. This way, we filter our connections and end up with quality, long-term friends.
If you want to have few but amazing friends, keep the standards. It’s perfectly fine. But don’t expect all people will adhere to it.
But if ever you decide to have more casual friendships, it’s time to change how you view people.
Different Personalities, Different Standards
When I was a fresh graduate teacher, I noticed how irritated and angry I was at almost everything.
The “cool kid” students used to annoy me. With every unnecessary move and comment they make, I’d scorn them and won’t hold back with my “daggers of truth.” If they ever feel humiliated by my words, I don’t care. It’s their fault, for sure.
I was the textbook definition of a traditional teacher. I put a bold, thick line between me and my students.
Contempt to the bad kids, praises to the smart and attentive ones. I only gave favor to those who show respect to me.
But that surely caused backlash and internal friction within me everyday. Disappointingly, the “bad” students caused more havoc. They ignored my authority. I cried buckets in the faculty room. Got palpations right before my class. I was growing anxious by the day.
Until, one day… I quit.
I was convinced teaching was not for me, and so I ran to a career I’m passionate about — writing.
Long story short, my writing career unexpectedly turned into an “Understanding Thyself” journey. Writing about Myers-Briggs’ personality types opened me up to who I really am and I also learned to perceive other people’s motivations.
With this expanding understanding of people’s behavior, I tell you, I have fixed my relationship with my parents and siblings. I now respond to their needs and requests better. I’ve battled social anxiety, renewed my faith, and understood grief and gratitude. I’ve overcome numerous fears as an INFP.
Fast forward 4 years later, I’m here again, putting my hand on the profession I bid adieu to. I’m again teaching senior high school students, but now loaded with an understanding of how different personalities carry different motivations.
When I Changed My Approach…
My biggest challenge: treating people based on how they operate, not based on my golden INFP standards.
I started giving them a way to grow in the way they truly are. I judge them for what they show me, not what I think of them.
Say, I have an INFP student who struggles with recitation. I’m more gentle and encouraging with him, helping him out to voice out his ideas.
I’ve got ENTP students who love joking around. While their behaviors don’t fit into the “ideal” conducive learning, I learned to genuinely laugh at their jokes and take them lightly. You bet they love making their teachers laugh.
I also have SJ and NJ students, natural leaders in their groups. Covered in dust and grease, they nudgingly requested if I would treat them with snacks after cleaning and moving around heavy engine mockups in the laboratory. I let them indulge in a little reward.
They were so happy with the free food, they came running back to the faculty, waving the bread and drinks they bought to share with me. From then on, they’ve always bought snacks after lab hours and haven’t missed out on giving me some.
True enough, INFPs build walls to protect themselves. But once we learn to open the gates and let other people in, it’s rather a more festive place to be in.
INFPs are already gentle by default. They’re easily likable.
But if you ask why INFPs are invisible? It’s the walls interfering others from seeing us. It’s like you’re in a force field. People tried to reach you but they’re bouncing off to no avail.
I know it’s hard to reveal yourself, especially when your castle isn’t something you’re ready to show to the world. That’s why I wrote this post about overcoming the fear of revealing ourselves.
With practice, we can learn to connect with others without losing our authenticity.
Let Your Contributions Be Known
Now, let’s talk about people who overlook your capabilities.
I know you’re not one to brag about your achievements. You take pride in doing your job well, but hey, it’s not something we broadcast, right?
“Let the work speak for itself,” then we quietly hope others will notice our contributions on their own. Ah yes, this is the legitimate INFP way.
However, if you want to be seen and not underestimated, listen. You must make your contributions known, especially in group or work settings.
It’s way better to keep quiet but confident that people know your capabilities than to be left out because they’ve overlooked your value.
Truth is, many INFPs don’t want to announce their work but ache for (at least a simple) recognition. They want to be credited.
Oh, come on, now. If that’s what we want, then we have to purposely stand out! Let your contributions be known!
Moreover, INFPs can be easy targets for arrogant, menacing coworkers.
These loudmouths could shift the blame to you when things go downhill just because you won’t aggressively stand up for yourself.
With this said, making your contributions visible can be your shield. If you show your strength and value, you build credibility, and others will back you up.
As harsh as it may sound, people equate respect with the value you offer. Not all, but many wouldn’t bat an eye on you if you’re not competitive or skilled enough.
So if you don’t want to be written off and invisible, you have to reveal your capabilities.
When people know your strengths, they will be a testament to your work.
That’s just how society operates—they need proof. It’s not enough to say what you’ve done; they need to see it.
But if people still leave you out after these, brah! Leave that toxic place. You’re in the wrong crowd.
Subtle Ways To Make Your Contributions Known
If you want to avoid being overlooked, you can showcase your efforts through simple actions like:
- Lend a Helping Hand. Once you’ve finished your tasks, offer to assist your coworkers. Small acts of support show teamwork and reliability.
- Beat Deadlines. Submit your work ahead of schedule and let your supervisors know. It’s a subtle but powerful way to demonstrate efficiency.
- Let Results Speak. Yep, let that perfectionism kick in and make jaw-dropping presentations that leave an impact!
- Share Your Process. You could also teach the process you use that saves you time. It’s not imposing, just suggesting!
- Keep People Updated. They have to know you’re working on a task. My independent self then thought that updating people and asking for feedback showed my lack of understanding and inefficiency. But somehow, it’s the opposite! It shows you’re invested in that work!
- Give suggestions. Honestly, at first sight, people usually think I’m an airhead. Lol. But when needed, I try to give my suggestions here and there. Although they write me off at first, people soon realize how my suggestions were actually helpful, helping me gain authority in the long run. It’s a long climb, but at least try to communicate your ideas!
Takeaway
Truly, INFPs uphold their moral standards above everyone else. I agree it’s a great thing to have a strong sense of right and wrong.
However, sometimes, our self-imposed isolation from people who don’t meet those standards, while it feels like protection, also keeps us from experiencing the richness of human connection. INFPs feel invisible because of that wall.
We gotta remember that each personality operates differently. Know this, adjust, and reciprocate once people approach you. Surely, our relationships will flourish in unexpected ways.
That’s it! These are the things we can do to help INFPs when they feel invisible.
Thanks for reading!
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