Picture this: The clock struck 2 PM. You’re in the office, the atmosphere is dull, a slow time with no clients calling or coming in.
With nothing else to do, your co-workers gathered around the desk next to you, chatting and gossiping.
You hear frequent carefree laughs and pick up intimidating tones in their voices.
Meanwhile, you’re there, literally just beside their circle, awkwardly quiet. This is no surprise because this is the story of your every afternoon.
However, it’s not like they intentionally left you out. Rather, for some reason, you can’t bring yourself to barge into their conversation. You feel like… you don’t fit in.
“Is it really okay to join them? Will I face scolding again, like what happened this morning?” You were spiraling.
You don’t know and won’t risk it, so you kept silent. You acted busy when you were actually not.
Sounds familiar?
Personally, before, I often found myself in similar situations, too. As an INFP, I have stayed and worked in crowds where I didn’t feel I could fit in. I was out of place.
For a long while, I wondered, “Is this a ‘me’ problem? Am I boring? Or is it something about them?” I couldn’t figure it out then.
I was simply living every workday with anxiety and a wish that somehow, someday, I could be as cheerful and relaxed as them.
Thankfully, years later, it was a blessing that I discovered I’m an INFP. My aloof and tense behavior slowly made sense, and I’ve found ways to deal with my situations better.
Why can’t INFPs fit in as easily as others?
In this post, let’s talk about 4 probable reasons why an INFP can’t fit into most groups they come across.
Are you ready? Let’s go:
4 Reasons Why INFPs Don’t Easily Fit In
1. INFP’s values may not align with the others.
According to a study, the feeling of belongingness is directly linked to our own self-worth appraisal.
So, when we talk to people and wavelengths match intuitively, socially, or emotionally, it immediately makes us feel safe, and signals that “we belong.”
Remember, “to belong” or “to fit in” is a subconscious free exchange of recognition and acceptance that gratifies real friendships, especially for INFPs seeking such deep emotional connections.
That’s why we feel empowered to be with our true friends. It hits the “I feel valued!” spot, and our friends reciprocate such care, too.
From experience, I’ve observed a natural affinity between myself and other INFPs, as well as many NFs in general.
Conversations flow naturally. It’s subtle and warm, and the conversations end with a satisfying note.
Because our values and standards agree, getting to know them doesn’t require much effort. We just “click.”
But here’s where the problem lies.
Being one of the rarest personality types, INFPs often discover themselves surrounded by Sensors, Thinkers, and Extroverts in their homes, classrooms, or workplaces.
The other NFs? Well, it seems they’re also in hiding!
Unfortunately, since INFPs crave deep relationships, it gets lonely to be stuck in a place where you can hardly connect.
Being surrounded by people whose values contrast with yours drains your social batteries, more so when you shun one of your cherished traits — authenticity — just to fit in.
So, if as an INFP, you feel you don’t quite fit in, rest assured that nothing is wrong with you. You might just be in the wrong crowd.
Also, I’m not saying you can’t be friends with Sensors or Thinkers. To be honest, it can work, too.
But let’s note that the challenge lies in bridging the gap between INFPs and the other party and establishing a common ground.
As for me, I built some friendships with INTJs, ENTJs, ESFPs, and ISTJs, too. Although it’s not as deep as what I have with my NF best friends, I’m happy that we could reach out to each other with respect as a common ground.
Although I still think I won’t fit in with their circle, I’ve come to appreciate the value of lighter, more casual friendships.
2. INFPs choose authenticity over conformity.
As introverted Feelers (Fi), INFPs uphold a strong morality as their guiding compass.
They’re committed to living up to their values despite the people’s pressures and influences, which allows them to be the reflection of their true thoughts and feelings. In short, authenticity is huge for these Dreamers.
That said, we’d notice how most INFPs don’t easily adhere to societal norms they don’t resonate with.
An INFP forced to follow a group norm that doesn’t align with their beliefs might as well prefer to leave and work solo.
What’s more, INFPs don’t express their disapproval openly. While they strive to be true to themselves, they’re also private and non-confrontational empaths.
Rather than attempting to sway a majority decision, many INFPs quietly withdraw, keeping their discontent to themselves. They seemingly “flee” rather than conform.
Unfortunately, with this, they’re often seen as aloof or even selfish by other people, diminishing their opportunities to fit into groups.
Nonetheless, INFP’s commitment to authenticity and moral values remains a steadfast guiding principle.
On the positive side, having an independent mind, regardless of others’ opinions, can sometimes bring significant advantages.
So if you don’t fit in because of nonconformity, I wouldn’t say it’s tragic. Instead, it’s reputable to stand up for your beliefs.
Related Post: The Good and Bad Sides of Introverted Feeling (Fi) Function
3. They are old souls.
At times, INFPs can’t help but feel like they were born in the wrong era.
These Dreamers are old souls who radiate wisdom beyond their years. They have a longing for the nostalgia of the past combined with a profound optimism for the future.
While technology and new trends continuously emerge, these fads often fail to resonate with an INFP, contrasting with the majority who readily embrace the latest waves.
They find joy in the simplest things in life. A walk in nature, a good book, or a heartfelt conversation.
They appreciate the beauty in simplicity, finding warmth in everyday moments like a cup of coffee, a cozy blanket, or the rustling of leaves.
They’re very grounded people, self-aware, perceptive, and wise. They may look floaty but also carry a depth at the same time.
In a world focused on money, competition, and status, they believe it’s the uncomplicated aspects of life that give meaning to the world.
4. INFPs struggle with overthinking and extreme self-consciousness.
INFPs care about how others feel. So much that sometimes, they hold back their true thoughts instead of expressing themselves.
They’re uncomfortable opening up, afraid of how people might take their words and how they appear in other people’s eyes.
I believe many INFPs had a turning point that pushed them to overthink their interactions.
Here’s a short story: I didn’t start as an anxious kid. Instead, I was a confident child who loved showing off my memorization skills and talents to my parents, teachers, neighbors, and relatives. Heck, I loved the attention.
However, it all changed after a misunderstanding with my ex-BFF in 5th grade broke out, leading to me being outcasted by the girls in the class.
I joked about giving her number to a boy who has a crush on her. It was a joke that I texted during Christmas break. Little did I know that that text, which was a lie, would cost me our friendship. And my confidence.
I begged and expressed apologies, but I was not forgiven. I was a 5th grader bawling her eyes out every night for months.
My confidence dropped, and I got no one to talk to for the rest of the school year.
From there, my self-consciousness skyrocketed, and I started overthinking everything I said and did.
It was a lesson learned, and it impacted my whole life.
I became anxious about my actions and people’s responses.
An overthinker.
If I may ask, do you have such a story that pushed you to hide away, too?
Then would you agree that’s where you started to feel the fear of expressing yourself?
If we look at it from this angle, while INFPs might feel like they don’t fit in, it may actually be our fear of shame, rejection, and exclusion that prompt us to judge others quickly and then choose to self-isolate.
How do we resolve it?
Through healing — a gradual process pinpointing what happened, identifying when things went wrong, and making peace with those past traumas.
Conclusion
In summary, although INFP’s love for genuine relationships may clash with a world that often values conformity, it’s not impossible to find a tribe where your values and unique qualities are warmly embraced.
Finding your tribe may be ongoing, but with patience and authenticity, INFPs can attract their people, and find their place in the world.
I hope this post gave you insights. 🙂 Thanks for reading!
If you find this post helpful, you can buy me a coffee to support the blog! 🙂
You may also like:
- Can INFPs Be Thinkers? I’ve Become One and Here’s My Story
- 9 Ways You Can Deal With Introvert Friends
- 5 Tips To Become An Outgoing INFP
